i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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