Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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