You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
