John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
