Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
