My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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