i'm signing you up for texting rehab
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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