The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
