people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
smell my finger.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
