Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
