If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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