Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
