Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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