My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
