I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
