I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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