He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
