I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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