I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
