I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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