nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My ass is underappreciated
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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