My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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