I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
