Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
