a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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