im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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