I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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