im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
