The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
