I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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