you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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