What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
