when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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