Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
