I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
50% drunk capacity currently
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
