I accidentally had phone sex last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
