a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
