I want to walk on stilts...naked
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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