Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
either way he was missing a nipple.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
