i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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