Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
