I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
