4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can tuck mytits in my pants
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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