i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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