When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
