If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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