It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
