a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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