I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
