I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
