Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
