I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
